


oh, the things i've seen

by KirstieJ



Category: Wolf 359 (Radio)
Genre: Dialogue-Only, Domestic, F/F, F/M, M/M, No Smut, Polyamory, Post-Canon, Post-Hephaestus, discussion of consent, discussion of sex, literally all this is is doug and hera talking about dougs sex life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-22
Updated: 2017-10-22
Packaged: 2019-01-21 04:48:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12449964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KirstieJ/pseuds/KirstieJ
Summary: Hera offers some comments on Doug's sex life, and he's intrigued on what she's noticed about things between him and his girlfriend, her husband (who is also his boyfriend), and her girlfriend.





	oh, the things i've seen

**Author's Note:**

> I started typing this out as a funny conversation one night and then today something possessed me to keep writing it, and I noticed that the first like 300 words I had were solely dialogue so I decided to keep it that way. I don't think I've ever written any dialogue-only stuff before so this was a neat exercise. Kind of an odd concept? Hopefully someone else likes it haha.

“Did you know, Doug, that there are some pretty distinct patterns in your sex life?”  
  
“Uh… Come again, Hera?”  
  
“Not just you, but everyone in the house. For instance, Renée has the most sex overall, which I guess makes sense given that she’s where everyone really intersects.”   
  
“Huh. Yeah, I guess it does. So, wait, do you keep tabs on that sort of thing?”  
  
“Doug, Doug, Doug... When will you learn? I keep tabs on allll sorts of things. As I always have, you know.”  
  
“Huh. Okay, fair. Well... got anything interesting, Hera?”  
  
“There’s a lot, and forgive me, but I don’t know what would be interesting to you. Hmm. Well, you all have styles, if you can call it that. _You_ , Doug, are always very eager to please, for example! Isabel tends to take her time. Renée is most frequently on the receiving end of things with basically all of you, but when she’s in control she’s, hm, less consistent, because she plays off whoever she’s with at the time.”  
  
“Hm.. yeah, I can see it.”  
  
“I also notice more specific things.. You and Renée hold hands a lot during sex, and Dominik tends to gaze into people’s eyes. Renée is more likely to avoid direct eye contact. You seem to enjoy it, so when you and Dominik get down, there’s a lot of heated looks. You and Renée also cuddle for the longest periods of time afterwards, Isabel likes her space more but will play with Renée’s hair for her.”  
  
“I like the affectionate bits, sue me!”

“Heh, don’t worry, Doug. Your partners seem to appreciate it.”

“Good to know! Y’know, I never thought I could get sex advice, or feedback I guess, from an AI.”

“Doug, you’ve literally had me tell you dirty stories before. Did it not occur to you that I based these stories off what you would find most appealing, knowing your recent sexual history?”

“I... suppose I never really questioned it? I just thought you were good at guessing!”

“Hm. You never do give me enough credit.”

“That is _so_ not fair, Hera. I know you’re incredibly intelligent! The smartest person I’ve ever met, in fact. I just didn’t think you’d be into something as weird as human sexuality.”

“It is strange, to me. Hard to conceptualize. That’s _why_ I like paying attention when the four of you get freaky. It’s fun to dissect.”

“Hah! Fair enough, though most of the time it’s not so ‘freaky’, really. Except those couple times…” 

“If we look at frequency, you’re all getting a little more brave when it comes to bringing more kinky things up.”

“Statistically speaking, is it being, um, well-received?”

“If you’re wondering if Renée liked it when you dirty talked her the other night-”

“-Well I wasn’t gonna get specific but…”

“She wasn’t lying when she said she enjoyed it. I’d be careful of what exactly you say to her, though. She and Isabel have been into dirty talking for some weeks now.”

“Oh really? I thought I overheard them last week, which is-”

“-Why you were willing to try it as well?”

“Yeah, hah. I mean, I’ve always been talkative during sex so it’s a weird line to straddle. Between where I’m just regularly speaking during the encounter to like… actively saying stuff that’s supposed to be sexy. I used to do a lot more before, y’know, the incident, and then, like, space, or whatever. But I’m kind of out of practice. You have _no_ idea how happy I am to have an active sex life again. And with two different people? It’s wonderful, Hera.”

“Another thing I have been able to tell, Doug. Honestly, with how much things have improved for you humans since you started banging, I don’t know why you all waited so long.”

“I have an answer for that one, which you probably already know seeing as you overhear all of our conversations and interactions, as you literally just told me. Renée and Isabel _did_ get it on in space a couple times, which Renée felt weird about. Not because she was married, she and Dom have been open in the past and were open during the trip. It was because she was the **commander** and that’s an “uncomfortable power dynamic”, because she had like, duties and responsibilities, and she’s an actual professional about shit. Unlike some people, ahem. That was also the reason she told me she never wanted to try anything with _me_. Besides not really having a great opportunity to do so, either. It makes sense. Even though it’s not like I ever really respected her authority over me in my actual job position on the Hephaestus, heh. But, I _get_ that not only was it against the code she abided by, but it was just a weird consensual issue in general and I respect that she was firm about it. Even if it would have been amazing to, uh, have had relations, in space. Oh well.”

“Ah yes, I do recall those early conversations when you all first got your shit together and admitted you all had feelings for each other, in one staggered mess of a few days. You’re all so cute.”

“Oh, stop it, Hera.”

“You areee!”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Hey… I have a question.”

“Yes, Doug?”

“Do you, uh, happen to have any photographs from any of the times we’ve, hm, y’knowww…?”

“You’re asking me if I have any homemade porn featuring you and your polyamorous housemates?”

“Uhh…. Yeah?”

“Well, technically, I might have some stuff stored, but I tend to try to eradicate sensitive materials like that, at least the visuals. Like, I keep a type of copy in my memory bank so I’ll still be aware that they happened but those are a lot less accessible than the things I can just pull up and show you on my screens.”

“Rats. I mean, that’s fair, though. Kind of a consensual issue there too, huh? Though, I guess we all decided to live here knowing fully well you exist and can’t just ‘turn off’ your brain to whatever bedroom shenanigans we get up to.”

“So you _do_ comprehend that, huh?”

“Leave me aloonnne, Hera. Of course I understand that, I’ve been living with you now for literal years between being in space and now.”

“Mmm-hmm.”

“I promise you, I get that! As well as a human, such as myself, can possibly even get how an AI works, anyway.”

“Okay, okay. I’m just teasing.”

“I know!”

“Anyway. To answer your question, I may be able to pull up some images. Or, next time you’re bumping uglies, I can make it a point to save some.”

“Yeah, stupid euphemism aside, that sounds _very_ appealing. But, how about this? You remind me to _ask_ either Renée or Dom or whomever I’m porking- well it’s gotta be one of them, though maybe it’ll be both- whatever. I’d need to get their permission before you like, save any video or images of us for my spank bank.”

“You’re ripping on _my_ use of euphemisms when you just used two of the worst possible options in the span of, what, twenty seconds?”

“’Porking’ and ‘spanking the monkey’ are classics, Hera!”

“Doug?”

“Umm hello there, beautiful! How are you on this fine day, Rennie?”

“A) Don’t. B) What are you and Hera, um… talking about?”

“Oh, psh, y’know, nothing interesting. Certainly not sex stuff.”

“He’s lying, we’ve been discussing your sex lives and information I’ve gathered on you all.”

“I see. Like.. what sort of thing?”

“No grave details, Renée. Just, like, the fact that you’re consistently the loudest moaner, followed by Doug.”

“Ah. I see.”

“Hehe, your face is _so_ fucking red, baby.”

“Shut up, Eiffel! Anyway, um. I forget why I came in here, so, I’m just gonna leave.”

“Wait!”

“What, Doug?”

“Hera and I were just talking about it and I just… how do you feel about the idea of her making, uh, images or videos of us available? Like, just to me! Or, us, potentially. Not like the internet or anything.”

“…”

“Like obviously she doesn’t have to, it’s just a dumb idea I had, please don’t hate me.”

“Calm down, Doug. It’s an.. interesting idea. Get back to me on it, after I’ve had time to think.”

“Okay, okay. I can work with that.”

“Great. I’ll leave you to your conversing, then.”

“Hey, Renée?”

“Yeeesss?”

“Love you.”

“I love you too. Dumbass.”

“Awh, Eiffel, your face is _so_ fucking red.”

“Shut up, Hera! Now, where were we?”

“Fighting over euphemisms.”

“Ah, yes. Rule of thumb, the more obscure and lengthy, the better. If people aren’t even sure if you mean sex, it’s golden.”

“Doesn’t that defeat the purpose of it being a euphemism?”

“Perhaps, but it’s much funnier that way!”

“I will never understand you. No matter how much I observe.”

“Likewise. That’s what makes our relationship so much fun, Hera! Always new stuff to discover.”

“Awh, Doug, that’s pretty sweet, actually.”

“You know it!”

“So… what else can I tell you about your own life, hm?”

“God, please. Any help you can offer me I’ll take.”

“Hah! Let me think for a minute….”


End file.
